What if it never gets better?

So what to say? My life seems too complicated lately,


It's not that I don't appreciate people who are trying to make me happy, but it's just I find it hard to be happy when I'm not happy at that time.

I guess in my mind, things would never change but too bad the only constant thing in this world is change. So when things end when you’re not ready for them too has to be the worst possible feeling ever. Everything will just be a memory. The worst part of all was I knew the end was coming all along but never prepared myself for it. I just continued to let myself fall. 

Now I’ve lost my self. I look in the mirror, and I have no idea who I’m staring at anymore. I’ve changed a lot and I don’t like it at all, but nothing feels the same anymore. I don’t care about anything anymore, and it doesn’t even scare, or worry me.

Walk alone...

My night will be so dark from now on. I have no more light to lead me the way to walk. Even, I can’t see me myself. I am a foolish guy who thinks that I could hold the light up. Light that I think will guide me has gone. I can keep no longer. It’s all about time.

Someday it will disappear from, nothing so called eternity in this world. Nothing left, only me myself alone waiting for another light which never comes. I used to believe, someday there is a light which comes to brighten my way. Nevertheless, I realize now, it is all bullshit. Light will not comes by itself. I myself ought to seek my own light.

I only have a friend; a best friend who never leave me, so called loneliness. Wherever, whenever I am, it always steps side.

I am walking in the dark, nowhere to go.

I have eyes, but see nothing.
I have ears, but listen nothing.
I have tongue, but say no word.
I have nose, but smell nothing.
I have heart, still it feels nothing.


And I'm the only one and I walk alone

Life teaches me, when you are thinking of holding a light, in that second you have lost it.

However, it’s nothing to me. My life is still going on; no matter I have light or not.

I should step forward though I have to crawl or grab to walk.

I should stand on the step of my own.

Last Night the Rain Spoke to Me...

Last night
the rain
spoke to me
slowly, saying,

What joy
to come falling
out of the brisk cloud,
to be happy again

In a new way
on the earth!
That’s what it said
as it dropped,

Smelling of iron,
and vanished
like a dream of the ocean
into the branches

And the grass below.
Then it was over.
The sky cleared.
I was standing

Under a tree.
The tree was a tree
with happy leaves,
and I was myself,

And there were stars in the sky
that were also themselves
at the moment
at which moment

My right hand
was holding my left hand
which was holding the tree
which was filled with stars

And the soft rain –
imagine! imagine!
the long and wondrous journeys
still to be ours.

Taken from  Mary Oliver

Empty street dreaming

A few days ago I was dreaming about an empty street.

It was early morning, but I felt like the sun already went down. It was very cold I guess, but I felt like a lovely afternoon. I tried to sketch my memory about that "feel so good dream".

Since this feel so good dream, I don't wanna lose it.  I woke up with different feeling, earlier than another days. Kind of lonely but lovely feelings. I was alone, but feel loved by everything.

Untitled

I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain.

Please..Take me to a place where doors are open

One year later

Hey guys....How are you today??
Best Friends are like Stars, you don't always see them, but you know they are always there...

Harma Family

And this morning, would like to thank Allah SWT for gave me some best friends in my life who always there for me.

Thank you, best! Thanks for being my best best best friend in my life. Thanks for every little thing, every concern, every laugh, every ears, and most of all for every time that we spent together.

Para veteran

I know I’m still have so many flaws and maybe not being your best friend yet, but still I’ll always try to be one of your best friend in your life, too.

It was great to see all of you all...

Coming soon...another picture...be continued....

I will continue to write this blog as long as there are people reading it.

I just wanna say....

Hi everybody....

I just wanted to thank all of you and to let you guys know how wonderful it feels to have friends like you that can share in my special day. Thanks!

I'm speechless.I've lost words to say.I never knew i have wonderful friends around me.I have been blessed with the happiest memories of my life......

Thank you again for your birthday wishes once again. I will keep all your wishes close to my heart. 

Sincerely,

Bang Nugros

The Emptiness

....It’s the emptiness that somehow feels so heavy. That’s what kills you...

 A good wednesday, what can you expect?

Up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness

You know that feeling? When you're just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation.

Nothing is wrong...but nothing is right either.

And I'm tired. Tired of everything. Tired of nothing. I just want someone to be there and tell me it's okay. hope someone bring me leave this place, but no one's going to be there. And I know I have to be strong for my self, because no one can fix me.

But I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix myself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. and for once, I just want it to be easy. to be simple. to be helped. to be saved.

But I know I won't be, but I'm still hoping. And I'm still wishing.

And I'm still staying strong and fighting.  If this is a fairytale, I wish it will end happily

# Bang Nugros

# Estranged

es·trange [ɪˈstreɪndʒd] tr.v. es·tranged, es·trang·ing, es·trang·es
1. To make hostile, unsympathetic, or indifferent; alienate.
2. To remove from an accustomed place or set of associations.
3. Alienated; No longer friendly.

still the same old story, I am talking to myself, doesn’t matter, anxiety has got me strung out and frustrated, sometimes i wonder if i should be left alone,It makes me lose control, cause now it seems i'm too far gone
To be Continued....

The Impossible Dream

“The impossible dream to dream the impossible dream to bear the unbearable sorrow to write the unwritable wrong to try when your arms are too weary The reach the unreachable star 

This is my quest, to follow that star No matter how hopeless, No matter how far To fight for the right Whithout question or pause To be willing to march into hell For a heavenly cause And I know if I'll only be true To this glorious quest That my heart will be peaceful and calm When I'm laid to my rest And the world would be better for this That one man scorned and covered with scars Still strove with his last ounce of courage To reach the unreachable star

* Every great dream begins with a dreamer *

# lonely @ my workspace #

It's So Hard

Not much to say, I'm just wondering, it has been a long time  and I keep questioning this question...

I wanna go, anywhere without any destination. 

Because sometimes it's better to run away, and not hearing any truths nor any lies. they hurt too much. 

Now I am drowning.

Thank you, for your hard efforts in understanding me...

Bang Nugros